Long time no see [review] [new toy] [catch up]

So I was reminded that this blog existed recently and after some thought I think I might try to keep it updated again. Some of you may know about three years ago I went off anything sexual after having a PTSD breakdown. I threw away the majority of my sex toys. I'm on a quest to restock and yesterday I received a new toy. She hasn't got a name yet, this is due to happen later today, more on that later.

Here she is. This is when I was just trying her on, the harness is a little bit too small it seems. It says it fits up to a 57 Inch Waist but it sits more on your hips. My waist is only 47 inches and if she sat there it would be a perfect fit but she doesn't. Anyway its not really a problem as I got her to fit in the end. I'm unsure if to name the attachment and the harness separately. I think I might. After a conversation on telegram this attachment may be called Candy or Flossy we shall see.

So the harness is the Bondara Plus Size Strap on Harness with adjustable rubber rings. This harness will turn any dildo you have into a strap on toy with three separate rubber rings that can be changed on the harness to accommodate for a range of different girths. Like I pointed out its supposed to fit up to a 57 inch waist but be prepared to measure your hips instead if you have a high waist like me and as a pudge cat also take into account your tummy.

Base Harness Size :13.5 Inches Across 
Harness Material: PU Leather 
Ring Diameters: 1.5 Inches, 1.75 Inches and 2 Inches 
Ring Material:  Rubber

I purchased two attachments for her, but I have fallen in love with the pink one so I think that might actually be my primary penis. 

The PipeDream Dildo and the Basix Rubber Gspot. The pipedream one has become primary penis. I love how it feels. If I squeeze it it extends slightly, if I wank it it moves with me, and because it's made out of rubber it takes on my body heat if I hold onto it for a while. I haven't tried the suction cup as this was bought for my harness. 

I wore it in bed while watching TV to get used to the harness and I felt.. complete? It's a hard feeling to express. I loved how it bulged under my dress, a lot like how I love to see femboys penis' bulge under their tiny little skirts. I kept rubbing it through the material and even though I couldn't feel the attention my dildo was getting it was having an effect in the pit of my stomach. Just the idea of playing with my bluge walking around with it made me a very happy kitty. 

As you can see it also has some amazing bounce. I couldn't stop pinging it at one point and playing with it. 

I can't stop watching, it's hypnotic!

The feeling that wearing the whole set up gave me, as I said is very hard to explain. I was cheeky, teasy, growly, dominant almost as the thirst in the chats I posted pictures too rose to levels I've never really had before. 

I began to think about the other attachment I bought. That maybe buying two wasn't' such a good idea. Until I did this. I put it inside me as I placed my bullet vibe on my clit and I masturbated my main penis. The pressure of the harness caused me to feel like I was really masturbating as I got clitoral pleasure as well as gspot stimulation. It was a pretty powerful orgasm and I found a use for the other attachment. I can't wait to feel if this works when fucking someone. 

Tonight I have one of my favourite play partners coming around as I promised them first dibs. I've only ever fucked someone with the feeldoe about 5 or so years ago and I hated it because you have to hold it inside yourself. It was very hard to do and to get pleasure from because you were concentrating so hard. I can't wait to try this on them. The idea of it has me pretty happy already, if I was wearing I would be bulging. 

So yeah, I'm hoping to keep this blog up to date with things that happen around me. Things I want to do. Ideas, erotica, dreams, reviews etc as I bring myself back into a sexual world. 

TATA! 

***As with all rubber toys, use condoms to stop degradation and cross contamination, wash them after play, house them separately (as if they touch other rubber toys can cause melting) and use water based lube. ***


 

[Swotr RP] Clea and Delilah

Clea let the water pour over her washing away the meeting she had just attended. She was happy that he hadn't just shouted at her or worse for her not addressing him all the time, but she knew once she got carried away on a subject she would just babble. The water was warm, it fell over her hair making it cling to her face. The bathroom was silent apart from the water running over her ears and her soft pale skin.

Delilah watched the girls shape through the steam from the shower. She watched as Clea just stood there letting the water fall over her. She leant on the door way just watching how unanimated her usual bouncy counterpart was. She had thought she was asleep, while she was in the office recording her thoughts. She got lost in the haze of steam and flesh infront of her for a few moments before lifting herself from her lazy position and stripping down entering the shower behind Clea, wrapping her arms around the girls smal fragile body.

Clea felt the air change as Delilah climbed into the shower, her warm body pressing against her back. The water fell over the two of them as Delilah held her tightly. Delilah moved her body, pushing Clea against the wall of the shower, it was cold against her skin, her nipples stiffened from the change of temperature.

"Did I do ok Miss D?" Clea asked.

Delilah smiled to herself. She moved Clea's hair out of the way leaning into her ear. "I love it when you call me Miss D." she didn't answer the question but preferred her actions spoke louder. Her hands moved, slicked by the water, to Clea's back pushing at the base of her spine so her back arched pushing her arse out. Her other hand snaked upwards, caressing the back of Clea's neck before gripping a handfull of hair pulling her head back at the same time she pushed her arse back.

Clea let out a moan as her hair was pulled her body obeying it's manipulation. Delilah's fingers moved over her arse, following the curve, the crack and two penitrated into her sex, curling into a hook and massaging that small nub of nerves on the inside. Clea let out another moan and Delilah moved her thumb to massage the outside of her puckered hole.

Delilah's hands moved, slowly; perposfully. She massaged more, her left hand pulling more on Clea's hair to make her arch into the attention her right hand was giving. Clea gasped and twitched around Delilah's fingers, her knees shaking, her legs parting to allow more manouvering. The water felt hotter, pouring over their bodys, slicking them, aiding them. She moved her lips back to Clea's ear. "He could never be me." Her words were dark.

"I remember when we first met." Clea said "Do you remember.... or do you forget?"

Delilah's hand moved a little faster, Clea moaned more, Delilah's hand in her hair keeping her upright, her elbow in her back pinning her to the wall.

"You were so perfect, so pure like an angel." Delilah said, recalling the first time she saw Clea, the club on Nar Shadda. "Yyou were like an angel and I remember thinking" her fingers twitched inside Clea, as if punctuating her words "I remember thinking... my god... she is just so beautiful" Clea began to flush a little at Delilah's words, Delilah continued "So fucking amazing and every night" her voice lowered to a purring whisper "Every night i would watch you"

"I would watch you watching me" Clea responded.

"...and we swore that nothing would come between us" Delilah's grip on Clea's hair tightened as Clea began to shudder to orgasm. "that no one would come between us....do you remember?"

Clea's body shook, Delilah's fingers finding every possible pleasure point inside her. Delilah's body the only thing keeping her upright in the hot water. Her body shook and twitched as she let out a long moan, bucking back on Delilah's fingers, feeling them fill her, fuck her, have her, claim her. "I was humbled by your power" she was able to get out as her body stopped shaking and Delilah slowly removed her fingers and loosened the grip on her hair.

"You once asked me -is existance all we share?-... you tell me" Delilah let go of her and turned, walking out of the shower, wet foot prints and a fire in Clea's belly the only reminder she was there. Clea slid down the wall, her legs unable to support her orgasm wracked body and the water continued to fall over her.

[SWTOR]Clea breaks into Urlocks Ship

Clea woke up from a fitful sleep. She laid naked, coverd in sweat in an empty bed. She checked the time and saw that it was past morning and Delilah was still not home. She hit the bed in a mix of anger and concern. Why the hell do I have to be home on an evening if she isn't.

She got up putting on some panties and a tshirt and wrapped the bed sheet around her, walking around the empty ship looking to see if Delilah was anywhere else. She wasn't.

Her temple itched and hurt slightly and her vision was a little blurred. She sat down in the social area wrapping the sheet tight around her and poked at her data pad. She read an old message, the good part of last night and the night before.

The empty ship made a banging noise which made her jump out of her skin, she decided she needed to get out of there.

She walked through the cold hanger, her sheet wrapped around her just looking at the different ships that were docked near by, walking through hanger, to hanger she saw the one she recognised and walked up to the door. She pressed her hand against the cold metal and turned, her back to the door sliding down into a crouched position.

She couldn't just go see this person could she? It wasn't like they were friends, he was a client, a team member of Delilahs. But she needed someone to talk to, someone to sound this niggle in the back of her head.

She rolled onto her knees and found the access panel electronics area. Wiggling it free she prodded and poked, not really paying much attention but doing everything she needed to do to make the door slide open enough so she could slip in.

She walked through the quiet ship, finding the sleeping quarters she leaned in the door way watching him sleep. She moved silently around the ship to the drive room sitting in the captains chair and curled up. A while later, what ever she did fizzed and popped blowing the electrics in the ship.

It was at this time that Urlock awoke from his slumber, she woke up to being picked up in his large strong arms and carried through to the bedroom.

She hooked herself around his arm, telling him of the previous nights events. As she burried herself into his chest he did his best to comfort her.

He lifted her up onto his chest as she poured her thoughts out to him, hitting him in the chest with frustration. She felt his morning self pressing against her through the sheet. It caught her a little by surprise.

A wicked thought passed through her mind as he wiped her tears, she leaned herself back teasing him, grinding and dancing to music only she could hear. He did his best to "object" she just laughed, knowing that he didn't really.

She leaned in, kissing him and teasing his manhood with her bottom. They joked about where on a ship she hadn't been, and she said on this one, everywhere. They chose the cockpit.

He placed her down on the communications console teasing himself against her pantied self pressing against the material. She reached down putting her nails through the material and ripped it away letting him push it into her slowly at fist then deeper as her walls stretched to take the thickness.

Her implants filled her with endorphines and morpines alowing her to take him deeper as it hit the back wall of her insides. Faster his movements grew and she lifted her legs placing her feet upon his shoulders. Her wetness dripping down over the consoles.

She squeezed her muscles around him, screaming out into the ship and arching her back against the uncomfortable table of buttons and knobs below her. He grunted and growled as he roughly had his way filling her up every which way until he couldn't hold it any more, and with a roar he overfilled her.

She sat up, keeping him inside, lowering her legs and pressing her face against his chest. Just needing to be held.

After some time they seperated heading for a shower. She began to wash him obediently but he pulled away from her, washing himself and telling her to clean the ship. She did as was instructed, very dilligently and came through to his room playfully throwing the rag at him.

He looked angry, she felt uncomfortable and went to disturb Hana instead. After some time she realised she had been gone for most of the day and decided it was probably best she headed back home.

And so she did.

[SWTOR] Beauty Fiend

Scene Setting: Delilah is in a bit of bad mood. As a Sith Lord she has a habit of being a bit.. mental.

Delilah moved a hand to the girls wrist raking her nails down her light blue skin. She pinned the girl down by her throat to the futon. The girl groaned and writhed. Delilah grinned a predatory smile and leaned in to the girl kissing her deeply, her tongue pushing deep into the girls mouth.

Swiftly she rolled the girl over gripping her hair in her fist tightly pulling her up onto her knees. The girl obeyed. Delilah reached her other hand between the girls legs from behind, penetraiting her vaginal hole roughly.

The girl yelped a little and Delilah just growld down at her, leaning over the girls back and biting into the back of her neck. The girl moaned as Deliliah bent her fingers in a come hither motion, massaging the inside of her. Pressing the internal nub of flesh between her fingers.

Delilah's hand became wetter the more she massaged and the harder she bit into the girls neck. The girls arms collapsed, thrusting her butt up into the air as Delilah kept bent over her growling into her ear.

The girl shuddered, wave over wave of pleasure moving through her as Delilah lets go of the back of her neck, a string of salavia and blood hanging from her lips. The girl seems unaware of the danger she may have put herself in.

She pulled her fingers from the girls insides and rolled her over again thrusting her fingers into the girls mouth to lick clean and pressed herself between the girls legs, pulling them up over her shoulders bending the girl in two.

Delilah's hand went to the girls throat again, pushing her head up with her thumb, running it over the girls jawline. Her eyes appeared to glitter like that of a large cat as she studdied the girls physique. The girl gasped, her eyes closed submitting to Delilah's touches.

Her grip tightened, the girl gasped for air, her eyes flinging open. Delilah's lip twitched as she threw the girl to one side.

"Go." She said, and the girl ran.

Excerpt from my RP story [swtor]

Clea felt the warmth of Delilah behind her as she pressed her breasts against Clea's back. She was hot and a little sweaty from her work out. Clea stopped pouring, placing the items down, and leaned back into Delilah's arms.

Delilah wrapped her arms around Clea, cupping each breast in her hands. Clea moaned and kissed up at Delilah's jawline.

Delilah pinched each of Clea's dark pink nipples in her fingers and moved her head to kiss Clea deeply. Clea moaned into the kiss, feeling herself get moist between her legs. She rubbed her legs together as Delilah broke the kiss.

"I have to head into the city today to meet with Darth Ra'zel again." Delilah said, Clea moaned as Delilah didn't stop her pinching of Clea's nipples. "Come into the city with me and have a look around."

Clea nodded and pushed back into Delilah with a moan and a shudder. Delilah chuckled and stopped playing with Clea's nipples, walking away. Clea opned her eyes and pouted at Delilah.

"There is a gift on the bed for you." Delilah said and went towards the shower room.

Clea stood there, moisture dripping down her leg, ready for some action. Her nipples were stiff and the slight cold of the ship made them tingle. She stamped her foot and then headed to the bedroom.

On the bed was a beautiful white dress, trimmed in gold. Clea smiled, Delilah always bought her such nice things. She could hear Delilah in the shower and moved to the door to head in, but it was locked. She sighed, sitting on the bed beside her new dress.

She ran her hand over the material, it was soft, like silk, but a little more tactile than that. Her other hand pressed between her legs, parting her peach like lips, her middle finger massaging the hard nub that had begun to swell. She leaned back, lifting a leg onto the bed. Her finger moved faster, her juices slick and sticky creating just enough lubrication to not cause friction. Another finger joined in, massaging and pinching at her clit as it hardened a little more, excited and in need of attention. Clea stifuled a moan, as she could hear Delilah moving about in the shower, her hand moved faster with an air of urgency.

Tingles swept over her body, from the head of her clit, through her her hips and into her lower stomach as she moved her hand faster. She bit her bottom lip, moaning every so slightly as her hips bucked upwards sending a spray of water into her hand. Her hand stopped moving, but her fingers twiched every so often as her body did too and she laid there panting.

The sound of the shower stopped. Clea moved her hand from between her legs, licking her hand clean and checking her dress to make sure it was ok. She stood as Delilah came from the shower room, water dripping over her naked body.

"You ok?" Delilah asked. Clea nodded and pushed past her to the shower room.

"My turn!" she chimed and closed the door.

Delilah smiled and went to the bed, drying her hair. She smiled at the dress, a fine choice she thought and saw the small wet patch beside it. She looked at the shower room, then back to the bed and picked up the dress and hung it on the wall.

Cravings.

My masochistic side is craving again. Hot skin pinned to cold walls. Fingers and nails trailing up thigh and flesh finding wet, moist panties and pushing or ripping them to one side.

Words I have read that at first scared me now resonate inside me, laughing at me that I don't have that trust with a person any more. People abusing it. This is why we can't have nice things.

I can hear the music surround me. The beat pulsing in my chest. His hand is pressed against my throat, my eyes shut tightly as the light from the club occasionally bleeds into them. His teeth run over my skin, his breath hot and his whispers dirty. The scene is dark and just right. The right time, the right place the right amount of pressure.

His hand moves to my hair, gripping at it at the scalp and pulling my head back bearing my neck. Something cold and sharp feeling then pressing against it.

My thoughts move then to being thrown into a dark room. The click of a gun as I feel the muzzle pressed to my temple. I am on my knees looking around, but the person is in black and their face is not visable. I am blindfolded.

I stay knelt, listening to the boots move around me. Thudding onto the floor.

All these things come at me, fast and hard. Thoughts and feelings. I'm sat naked, running my own nails over my skin, causing red marks and pulling at my hair.

I want these things. I crave the pain I used to be able to take. But when it is given I cower, I hide and I detest it. I tune out.

I wear cuffs to simulate tight hands around my wrists.

My mind is like a movie studio, flashing images at me, some make it some end up on the cutting room floor.

Another one now, his face burried between my legs in a toilet stall, listening to the music pound against the wall outside. Orgasm swelling to the swell of the music.

But I don't trust anyone enough any more to give me this, and the person I do trust doesn't want it, doesn't want this side of me. I'm doomed to be forever vanilla. The safe choice.

Work in Progress

I entered the room, it was nothing special. A bed, large, and well made. A table, wooden, and covered in a white cloth. There were ridges and recesses that looked curious in shape as the cloth dipped and raised over something upon the table. The sunlight, which was slowly leaving us, came through slats in the blind highlighting dust in the air which danced and weaved, disappearing in shadow. The sunlight highlighted spots on the bed that made me want to stretch out naked and feel them up on my skin.

I could still smell the cool, crisp, snowy air from our walk up to the cabin. I could still feel the cold of the air as well as the warmth of the sun upon my naked legs as the the fur jacket he had handed to me at the start of the path, where we had parked the car,  rubbed just below my buttocks. He had ordered me to strip before our trek, and I had at first playfully rejected his order to which he chased me around the car, flinging me into the snow and stripping me bare. My hair was still wet from the ordeal and I studied the room a little more.

He silently pulled the jacket from my body and led me to the bathroom where a warm bath had already been drawn. It was scented with various erotic smells and he held my hand as I climbed in. After being in the cold the warm was tingly against my skin causing my nipples to stiffen even more than the snow had. His hands moved over my skin, soaping me up and cleaning me down. His hands, soft and loving, caressed my back, moving my hair out of the way of the sponge.

(To Be Continued)

Long time no see

Wow. I haven't written here in so long. I've been trying to write erotica but it seems to only come out like really bad Anne Rice. My sex life hadn't changed much, until recently, and part of me doesn't want to talk about that as I think it was just a one time thing, despite wanting more. Something awoke within me and I crave it more and more.

I love the way a guy looks at me when he is turned on by what he sees. There is almost a glint in their eye as they  smell my musk or like what I am wearing. I act coy around it, pretending I don't know the thoughts going through their head. I like that game. Dancing around one another like fireflies around flames. A sexual tango of lust and desire. I like to hold them at bay until I know I am happy with them touching me, holding me.

Butterflies

There has been many men in my life trying to get a taste of me, they haven't inspired the feelings I wanted them to, the feelings I currently crave. When my boyfriend kisses me I still get "butterflies" in my stomach. I know that these feelings are some kind of endorphin or other hormone rush being released from my ovaries or other places around that area making me wet. It is a turn on to be kissed in such a way that creates butterflies. Most times I don't let a guy even close enough to kiss me. But when I do, and they give me this same feeling I know that there is a spark, a connection between us and the sex is going to be a little more than just rumping and pumping.

His kiss was like this. It's what perked my interest. Long before the kiss I had felt comfortable enough to be semi-naked around him. The boys had already been semi-naked together for most of the night. I liked watching. Not in a purvey way, but it made me smile. It made me happy seeing my boy curled up with another, warm and looked after. It made me happy seeing the two of them become aroused. It even made me happy when the two of them had each others lips locked on each others cock. I didn't mind taking a back seat.

Watching from the shadows

I worked out at that point that I did enjoy this. Maybe not in a sexual sense but something deep inside stirred in me. As they kissed each other, hands down each others pants rubbing long, glistening cocks, I sat back and admired them. The way the light hit their hair. Long hair, always a total weakness of mine. The way they were lost in each other. I played it coy, watched TV while they made out in the corner of my eye. I liked acting like nothing was happening. All the while I hoped to be pulled into their coupling.

Time went past and soon it was time for bed for my boy. I poked my lip out a little put out that kitten hadn't had her share of the milk. I was pounced up on, one on either breast. This felt amazing. Fingers wormed their way up into areas that had been wet for hours. Wave after wave of pleasure shivered over me. It wasn't long after this that I felt that kiss.

We shared my boys cock between our mouths. Our lips touched and I felt a spark, which might have been static build up, but that felt nice. I was comfortable. I was doing things I had been wanting to do for months. I didn't want it to stop. Not long after I was told to go to bed and the night ended.

The next day

I had to be up early, things to do, people to see. Upon arriving back to the apartment I heard the distinct sound of sex from the bed room. I resisted the urge to go stand in the door way with a cup of coffee and watch. Breakfast was served for two, while I changed for lunch. All day all I could think about was two hungry boys and me in the middle. I wanted so much more.

Shopping and socialising aside we all went back to the apartment, where my boy decided he didn't want to play any more. This made me sad but I had a new toy to break in. The more we kissed, like hungry horny teenagers the more the butterflies came. I had to hold myself back to not just have him take me there on the sofa, to go against all our rules. My womb ached and cried out to be filled up. I had to be a good girl and follow the rules.

The bedroom still smelled of the morning's adventures, as they were whispered to me I was entered roughly from behind. I hadn't allowed anyone to be quite so rough with me in almost two years, yet I felt safe enough to do so. We play fought, he held me down taking me over and over with his long, thick sweet tasting shaft. I wanted more and I didn't care if it wore us out.

For hours we kept going at it, with rests in between. It was the most sex I had had over the course of two days. By the end of the following day I was exhausted, happy and drowning in a sea of endorphins. I wanted more. I want more.

I think I have a new addiction.

What to write about?

So I have been asked to, and made word to, writing more in this place. A lot has been happening lately. I have my hands on a sexy little cat girl, I have a naked little fox girl visiting me, and I have many ideas for fiction to write about.

A couple of weeks back the Catgirl came to visit looking for training in the D/s world. Through that training it seemed to transpire that she preferred my kind of attention to the Dragons. I have spent most of my life switching between sub and when trying to be dom it didn't really work. But with her, when I pull on her collar or hair, she arches her back perfectly. When I stick my fingers in her soaking wet and hot pussy she moans like a good little girl. She requires some personal training, but sexually she is ripe and hot and very mailable. I shall write more about her in the coming weeks.

The naked foxgirl. It is a shame that I am not allowed to play with her. Her pert little bottom teases me, wanting to be smacked or grabbed. It is times like this I crave my own cock. To pull her down and impale her on it. The noises I hear her make stir the butterflies in my stomach. She smells like cookies and cream and I just want to clamp my muzzle down on her neck and bruise her coffee coloured skin with my conquest marks. She walks around my apartment without clothing for the pleasure of her master who is also visiting. The Dragon and I do seem to have similar taste in prey.

As for the fiction, well all in good time.

Mewsings

I should write here more. About exploits with foreign monsters and thoughts about my current lack of a sex life. My cravings for female attention and they shyness it brings. Fantasies involving guns, spys and chloroform. Thoughts, wonders and ideas.

I should write more.

Sex Toy Review - Collar with Short Spikes

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Less of a frustrated kitty and more of a worried one.

This post might not be sexy to you guys, but *shrugs* I don't really care that much. I thought things were getting better between us. Sex seemed to be more regular or I didn't want any. I haven't been too horny since I came off my medication, but this last 3-4 weeks I have been. I make advances that are ignored. I ask for attention which is said it will be granted then isn't.

Lately I have seen he has been looking at gaydar and more gay porn than normal since his boyfriend moved in with us. He also has been cybering with people a lot more. Zen and Ash I believe. Last night he said the four worst words anyone can say to me "We need to talk". When I asked him what was up, he said he couldn't talk about it right then. No amount of CBT/DBT training could stop that funk coming on and I ran to the bed room to 'go to sleep'.

I tried to breathe and concentrate on something to calm me down but I could feel the onset of the panic attack, my heat beat faster, my breath came shallower, I felt sick. Images flashed in my mind of me leaving him before he could leave me. I knew I was moving into overcompensation mode for my abandonment schema. I curled up in bed, he came in and curled up beside me. I asked him if he was coming to bed, he said not yet. Only moments before I had been telling him I needed attention and that I wanted to go to bed with him. That I was sick and tired of going to bed on my own.

It turned out all he wanted to talk about was that if he went part time with work to do a course he wants that I might have to find work before I am ready. No idea why he couldn't tell me that. He says that he is scared he is making me do things I don't want to do. I get scared I do that every day.

My trust issues are telling me this wasn't the main thing he wanted to talk about. I have to trust him though. I can't go through life not trusting him. Especially as I really want to get married to him and do the whole grown up thing. Not that that will ever happen.

Now I have put you all in a downer, goodbye :)
Gothi xxx

Clean and Dirty

One of the downsides of the wonderful place I share with C is that the bath is too small for the two of us. So today, while he bathed,  I sat at one end of the bath and massaged and washed his feet and legs. I used some of my favourite Lush products and lovingly caressed his feet, massaging the tense feelings away from them. Up his leg, gently running my hands over his muscles and lovingly paying attention to every knot. I looked into his eyes as I obediently rinsed off the suds. I moved to his back and scrubbed it clean with my exfoliation bar. Rinsing it off and smiling at his lovely clean scent.

I love to wash people like that. To love them with the warm water and sensual scents. It is a real turn on for the sub in me to bath the ones I care for.

I am a little less sexually frustrated today as I appeared to have seduced my way into getting C into bed for a fun few hours of an afternoon romp which left me breathless (in the good way) and grinning like a loon. I really missed the way he fucks me. He is amazing in bed. The way he holds my wrists, scratches my back and growls into my ear just makes me shudder and fall to my knees. He knows just what to do to make me his.

Cravings

I crave him so bad. The taste of his lips on mine. The touch of skin on skin. The hard press of his cock against my back as he holds me, caressing my nipples to attention.

He comes to bed when I am already asleep and I awake before he wants to get up. My thoughts turn to the past when G didn't want to sleep with me any more. I have no evidence this is the case, but I miss our daily exhaustive passions.

Tumblr teases me with glistening shafts penetrating, girls with long, sticky lollies and tongues intertwining with genitalia. All my mind can do is crave then when that craving is not satisfied move to the past and ruminate on why.

I believe until I get this sorted out I cannot move onto looking for outside attention. I wouldn't want for him to feel as unwanted as I do. He is inundated with offers, from over the seas, from over the hill. Boys, girls, they all want him. They want to taste what I crave. I am afraid he will give it to them before me.

I see

I see girls that inspire me. Pictures of acts that I desire.Tumblr is an interesting place. I am swamped with porn, art and cupcakes.

I have friends that say why don't I go out and find a girl or a boy to just play with while C isn't interested in that kind of thing at the moment. I tell them that strangers, one night stands and arranged liaisons don't seem to want to do it for me at the moment. I need connection before I can entertain the idea.

I miss cock. Crude I know, but I miss it's taste, the feel of it on my tongue and the wanton desire it inspires in the receiver. I miss my knees being dirtied by the floor as I am thrust onto all fours and taken hard and fast from behind.

I crave female attention yet when I get it I hide. I am afraid of not being what they want. I am scared of rejection so I let them make the first move. Then I freeze. Unknowing if to take the lead or to do as I am told. I like to hold girls down while I make them squeal from fingers pressing against moist panties then snaking their way behind and into warm, dark places. I like the gasps they try to emit as my hand wraps around their throat and I nibble at their thighs. Breathing hot breath on cold panties.

I was told never to ask for what you want. If someone wants to give you it they will let it be known. Always let others make the first move, then you know they want you. Now I am told to ask or make moves. What if she isn't that way inclined? She can only say no right? But to me, that is a knife in the stomach.

We will fix it?

I asked for a Master. I got a Lover.  He teases me with kisses that never lead anywhere.

I asked for a Mistress. I got a friend. She teased me with promises that never came to fruition.

I crave that hand around my throat, the tight grip in my hair and the slap of flesh on flesh as my head is filled with the scent of the pillow.

I am too fragile, she says. She cannot take responsibility of that. She can't afford for goods broken in this store.I wasn't even given the chance to show that I bounce when dropped. She just walked out and never came back.

He doesn't want to hurt me. Afraid of why I like tearing skin. Love isn't about being rough. Although love doesn't seem to be about anything at the moment.

They say to seek out what I want. I have the freedom. Only nothing else has tasted quite as sweet and so I don't want what is on offer.

I am a pervert without a cause. A rebel without claws. A kitten without a collar. And the mice on the mouse organ have ceased to sing.