Less of a frustrated kitty and more of a worried one.

This post might not be sexy to you guys, but *shrugs* I don't really care that much. I thought things were getting better between us. Sex seemed to be more regular or I didn't want any. I haven't been too horny since I came off my medication, but this last 3-4 weeks I have been. I make advances that are ignored. I ask for attention which is said it will be granted then isn't.

Lately I have seen he has been looking at gaydar and more gay porn than normal since his boyfriend moved in with us. He also has been cybering with people a lot more. Zen and Ash I believe. Last night he said the four worst words anyone can say to me "We need to talk". When I asked him what was up, he said he couldn't talk about it right then. No amount of CBT/DBT training could stop that funk coming on and I ran to the bed room to 'go to sleep'.

I tried to breathe and concentrate on something to calm me down but I could feel the onset of the panic attack, my heat beat faster, my breath came shallower, I felt sick. Images flashed in my mind of me leaving him before he could leave me. I knew I was moving into overcompensation mode for my abandonment schema. I curled up in bed, he came in and curled up beside me. I asked him if he was coming to bed, he said not yet. Only moments before I had been telling him I needed attention and that I wanted to go to bed with him. That I was sick and tired of going to bed on my own.

It turned out all he wanted to talk about was that if he went part time with work to do a course he wants that I might have to find work before I am ready. No idea why he couldn't tell me that. He says that he is scared he is making me do things I don't want to do. I get scared I do that every day.

My trust issues are telling me this wasn't the main thing he wanted to talk about. I have to trust him though. I can't go through life not trusting him. Especially as I really want to get married to him and do the whole grown up thing. Not that that will ever happen.

Now I have put you all in a downer, goodbye :)
Gothi xxx